TODAY (April 13) in the Sunday Independent columnist and journalist John Waters said that he didn’t believe in depression.
During the course of an interview he said: “I don’t believe in depression. There’s no such thing. It’s an invention. It’s bullshit,” he said, “it’s a cop out.”
Do you know what? I wish I didn’t believe in depression. I wish it didn’t exist and I wish it was something I had made up so that I could simply stop suffering from it.
I had never experienced depression before the birth of my son, so when, a couple of weeks after his birth I was hit by that sudden, savage low it literally took my breath away.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think.
I was afraid every minute of every hour of every day. Crippling, soul destroying fear. I was afraid of my baby. Afraid of hurting him. Afraid of being alone with him. Afraid of feeding him. Afraid of changing him.
Tears flowed, all the time. Every day. I was only happy when he wasn’t with me. When he was with his Dad or his grandparents, then I could relax.
I started to have awful thoughts, think terrible things. I wanted to leave my baby, and my husband, just walk away. Get on a train and go away somewhere, anywhere.
I wanted to give the baby up for adoption, give him to someone who could care for him when I couldn’t. I’ve never told anybody that. Not even my husband. But it’s how I felt.
I had to physically stop myself every day from simply walking out and leaving the baby in his Moses basket. I would wait until I saw my husband’s car coming into the estate and then go and get my coat. The baby would only be alone for 30 seconds and it’d give me time to get up the road, I reasoned. Every day I put my coat back before my husband opened the door – but yet the next day I’d again find myself in the hall, coat in hand thinking that this time I’d go.
This wasn’t normal, this wasn’t me and believe me it wasn’t made up.
I’m lucky. My husband is a saint in living form. He supported me physically through those awful first couple of weeks. He sent me to the doctor who instantly recognised what a terrible place I was in and who helped me. The doctor listened, he told me that what I was feeling was normal, that it was a medical condition that happened to some women after birth. He told me that he was glad I had come to him as the feelings I was describing, combined with the loss of my Dad a few weeks previously, could potentially have culminated in a major depressive episode, one which would have required serious in-patient psychiatric care. But because I had sought help he was confident that wouldn’t happen, that he would be able to treat me, with support from home.
And he did. Again, I was lucky. The medication worked. Asking for help worked. Having some help with the baby worked. And mercifully quickly. Within a few more weeks I was well on the road to recovery. The fear lifted, the anxiety receded, I could sleep again. I could enjoy my beautiful baby boy.
One year on and I’m still taking the medication, I’m still being supported at home with help with the baby and I still have bad days. But I’m much nearer to a full recovery than I was. Again, I’m so lucky.
Depression is real. It does exist. It’s not bullshit. It’s not a cop out. It’s a scientifically proven, medical condition that can happen to anyone. It’s as real and as valid as having asthma or epilepsy or a broken leg. It’s real and let nobody tell you different.
Please, if you’re suffering as I was, ask for help. It’s not easy, I know but please don’t live in the darkness any longer. Please.
For more information on depression and the supports available visit Aware at http://www.aware.ie
Sharon (BehindGreenEyes)
April 13, 2014 at 19:08
This was such a good post Karen and so well written, unfortunately I could identify with a lot of it. For that man to say it’s all imaginary is actually devastating, I feel so bad for all the good people with good messages who could use an outlet like the Independent for good – instead, this creep is given more and more ink. You are a great Mam and a wonderful woman and I’m proud to have gotten to know you even a little bit. Sean is a lucky little boy and your husband is a lucky man. xx
beatingmyselfintoadress
April 13, 2014 at 21:45
Ah thanks so much, bawling here!
Michelle Vesey
April 13, 2014 at 22:07
Thanks for sharing Karen.
beatingmyselfintoadress
April 13, 2014 at 22:08
Thank YOU for reading. xx
Fiona Naughton
April 13, 2014 at 22:19
What an absolute gobshite that John Waters fella is, I hope he never reaches his lowest point and has to live in the real world! You’re very brave for sharing your story Karen. PND is an awful thing to go through, I dealt with it myself and still have the crippling anxiety, each day is different but I take it as it comes. I’m glad that your medication is helping. Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing your story.
beatingmyselfintoadress
April 13, 2014 at 22:21
Sorry to hear that Fiona, hope it evens out for you soon. One day at a time is a good motto. Thanks for reading.
tric
April 13, 2014 at 22:56
I am so glad you are getting through this hard time in your life. Well done you on a very honest and positive post. I hope your future brightens up even more in the days,weeks, months and years ahead.
Helen
April 13, 2014 at 23:06
A great post Karen – well done. We’ve made such great progress in this country in the last few years starting to open up the world of mental health and addressing some major societal issues. It’s an abuse of ‘free speech’ and frankly a bloody insult for someone to take to a public forum and snidely and inaccurately belittle that.
Delighted you got the help you needed And that things have turned a corner for you.
X
office mum
April 13, 2014 at 23:29
I’m so glad you’re doing OK now, I remember reading your first post about PND with tears streaming down my face, Well done for speaking up against the idiotic comments made my John Waters
Naomi
April 15, 2014 at 21:17
Brilliant post, I am sure your honesty will be of help to others who may find themselves in the same position
A Write Relief... (for PND)
April 17, 2014 at 05:47
Thanks so much for this very honest post about comments that should never have been made in relation to “depression”. I too have suffered similarly to yourself and to have someone completely diminish your experience in such an uneducated, dismissive way is unbelievable. Well done for writing your thoughts as clearly as you’ve done here… I fear I would have been too angry to make sense of what I was trying to say! š
beatingmyselfintoadress
April 17, 2014 at 11:02
Thank you for reading. Sorry to hear you have been unwell, hope you’re on the road to recovery.
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Eimear
August 8, 2014 at 16:20
very well written and i really hope this blog gets the attention it deserves. I didnt get help until my baby boy was 7 months old as i didnt want to admit that PND could happen to me! its something that only happens other people, i was just told having 2 kids is hard, this is life now! I had to melt down completely before seeking help and within 2 weeks on the correct medication i was my old happy self again and can finally enjoy being a mom to my 2 beautiful children!! more and more everyday i realise how dark a place i had ventured into and really really want more people to be aware of Depression as a very real sickness – a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs treatment and for people suffering not to be ashamed and or judged! congrats again on this brave blog xxxxx
beatingmyselfintoadress
August 8, 2014 at 16:55
Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it. I’m very glad you got the help you needed, delighted you’re recovering. PND really does seem to be something people feel they have to hide, there’s such a stigma around it. YOu have this beautiful baby, what have you to be depressed about? But of course it’s not as simple as that. Best of luck for the future, thanks for your comment.
Eoin O' Mhuirtuile
August 9, 2014 at 18:16
My mother had really bad post natal depression after having me, without a doubt such a serious REAL illness. I was nearly in tears reading this, it sounded eerily similar to my own mother. Voted for this for best blog post in the Irish blog awards. Wishing you the best
beatingmyselfintoadress
August 9, 2014 at 22:20
Thanks so much Eoin, really appreciate that. I hope your Mam has recovered and is doing well.
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catherine kavanagh
September 18, 2014 at 15:29
well done u ,such a great read so honest and down to earth best of luck
beatingmyselfintoadress
September 19, 2014 at 15:35
Thanks so much for reading!
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Angela Burke.
September 19, 2014 at 18:03
Best of luck Karen.
beatingmyselfintoadress
September 19, 2014 at 20:51
Thank you!
Bridie O Connor
September 19, 2014 at 22:14
Really enjoyed reading your frank feelings on depression. A lot of people will benefit from your article
beatingmyselfintoadress
September 19, 2014 at 22:48
Thanks so much for reading and commenting
annebennettbrosnan
September 27, 2014 at 20:30
What courage! Well done! Anne xxxx
socialbridge
October 5, 2014 at 00:09
Well done on writing this post and I’m so glad it has now come to national/international attention through your well-deserved win in the Irish Blog Awards.
beatingmyselfintoadress
October 5, 2014 at 00:11
Thank you so much! I’m so happy to have won, still shaking!
socialbridge
October 5, 2014 at 00:28
Enjoy every minute of it!
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