50 shades pic

More from my Fifty Shades of Grey parody where I imagine what it would be like if Christian Grey was a Dubliner.

 

Fifty Shades of Shite, Vol VII

 

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Visiting my mother

To: Git Grey

Hey Git,

Just to let you know I’m heading off to visit my Mam in London for a few days. I’ll call you when I get back, I think we probably need to talk.

Ana

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: ‘Talk’ ya durt burd

To: Anastasia Steele

Howaya love,

We need to talk alright. We haven’t talked in ages, since we went to dinner in me Ma’s house, ‘member that? On the pool table, yeow! I’ll give ya talk!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises and All Round Legend

 

 

From Anastasia Steele

Subject: Talk

To: Git Grey

Er, no, Git, I mean really talk. About how things are between us. You know, your possessiveness and the way you try to control me and talk down to me. Also we should talk about the physical stuff. Look, we’ll talk when I get back.
Ana

 

 

From Git Grey

Subject: Talk

To: Anastasia Steele

Physical stuff! Yeah baby! That’s more like it!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, With a Massive Boner

 

 

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: You’re missing the point

To: Git Grey

You’re doing it again, ignoring what I have to say, Git. We really have to talk about this. I’m getting on the plane now and I have to stop emailing. I’ll talk to you in a few days.

Ana

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: Fwd Fwd Send this to all your mates or your face will get eaten by rabid goats

To: Anastasia Steele

Here, did you see this joke it’s brilliant. What you do is read it and it tells your fortune and then you send it on to everyone in your email within 14 minutes and your WISH COMES TRUE! It’s bleedin’ brilliant. Gowan, send it on, you’ve no sense of humour. Email me back will ya? You haven’t emailed me in three minutes. Where are you Ana? Who are you with? You. Are. Mine.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Not Amused

 

 

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: I’m on a plane

To: Git Grey

Will you stop emailing me Git? I’m getting on a plane to go and visit my mother. You know, having a life of my own? I’m allowed to go away for two days without emailing you every five minutes and telling you my business. You’re such a stalker.

Ana

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: You’re having an affair aren’t you?

To: Anastasia Steele

I can’t believe the minute my back is turned you’re having it off with someone else. Probably flirting with the Captain aren’t ya? You burds are all the same, all over ya one minute and then doin’ the dirt on ya the next. We’ll see about that, I’m not havin’ that. I’m not stupid you know. I’ve read the bukes, them romance novels all you wimmin love. I know that the sign of a real man is someone who knows exactly where his woman is at all times and who never lets her make a decision for herself or buy her own lunch or even go and visit her parents. I know! I’m not havin’ that, no way.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Reachin’ for Me Squeaky Hammer

 

 

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: That wasn’t funny Git

To: Git Grey

I cannot believe you did that, Git. I cannot believe you got the plane turned around to Dublin airport. You told them I was carrying a gun, Git! And gave them a description! They tied me up in the toilet, Git, and then strip searched me at the airport. I’m on a watch list now, Git! They think I’m a terrorist. You’ve gone too far this time.

Ana

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: You deserved it

To: Anastasia Steele

I’m rich Ana, get over it. You were ok with it when I was driving you places in my limo and we were in my luxury, mahogany smelling apartment. But you’re not ok with it when I use my wealth to get your plane turned around? Make up your mind. You can’t ignore me for a full three minutes and have me thinking you’re having an affair and think you’re going to get away with it.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Dark and Brooding

 

 

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Don’t annoy me

To: Git Grey

Listen you big weirdo. I’m on my way to the boat to go and visit my mother as I’m not allowed to fly anymore. I never want to talk to you again. Just eff off will you? And by the way, I faked it, every time.

Ana

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: Are you on the rag?

To: Anastasia Steele

The painters are in, are they? Liverpool playing at home? That’s grand love, don’t apologise, I know how you get when you have them. I was only thinking of you Ana when I got the plane turned around, I couldn’t bear not to be with you. Have some chocolate and watch a bit of the Notebuke or one o’ them other shite, er, I mean wimmins films. You’ll be grand, I won’t hold it against you.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Everyman

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: Where are you Ana?

To: Anastasia Steele

It’s been 15 minutes and you haven’t replied Ana. There’s no phone restrictions on the ferry, why aren’t you emailing me back? I won’t have this Ana, I won’t.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Losing it

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: I’m gettin’ annoyed now Ana

To: Anastasia Steele

Ah here. Come on now. It’s been an hour. A full hour without an email or a phonecall. Don’t you know people in relationships are supposed to be in contact with each other on the hour every hour? Don’t you KNOW that? Has daytime TV taught you NOTHING?

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Questioning whether he can go on.

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: Desperate Measures

To: Anastasia Steele

Don’t push me Ana. I’m a desperate man. Who knows what I’ll do! Answer my email, now, Ana! Answer it!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Getting angry now

 

 

From: Git Grey

Subject: Careful…

To: Anastasia Steele

I have no wish to discuss our relationship any further over email, Ana. Are you enjoying that Stena Line fry up? I see you didn’t get the beans, but got extra black pudding. Ya good thing! I like those jeans on you, they show off your arse.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Pulling a master stroke

 

Anastasia Steele paled as she read Git’s email from her Blackberry, her fry rapidly cooling on the plate in front of her.

Holy fuck…

He’s here.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Shite Vol VIII

 

Git Grey nervously brushed his hair and fiddled with his tie as he got ready in his room in London’s Claridge’s. He was about to meet Ana and her mother Clara downstairs in the bar.

This had to go well. After he’d followed Ana onto the Stena Line ferry, he’d managed to convince her to give him another go. So he’d stalked her and annoyed her and had her arrested for being a suspected terrorist – was she going to hold it against him for life? They’d talked for hours, pacing the deck, watching the outline of Wales beginning to appear slowly on the horizon.

By the end of it she had agreed to meet with him for a drink once they got to London and she’d insisted he meet her mother, to get her opinion. If he was ever going to get his bit again, this meeting was crucial.

‘Ok Git,’ he addressed himself in the mirror. ‘Don’t fuck this up, righ’? Remember what Ana said; she’s an independent woman and all that jazz burds go on with.’ Loada shite, he thought, as he splashed aftershave on himself, all burds wanted was the ring on their finger and the life of Reilly, but you had to humour them, didn’t you?

Taking a deep breath, he strode from the room, tweaking the bedspread on the way out. Hopefully he’d be bringing Ana back here later and he wanted everything to be perfect.

Down in the bar, Ana was waiting with her mother, sipping a Cosmo, wearing jeans and a silky camisole. You’d think she’d have dressed up a bit, this was Claridge’s for Jaysis sake, Git thought, but at least he could see her nipples through the thin material. That was something.

The Ma wasn’t bad either. For an oul wan like. At least Ana wouldn’t turn into a total cow when she got older. He’d have to turn on the charm.

‘Mrs Steele,’ he bellowed, swooping in for a kiss. ‘You look the business, fair play to ya. Some wimmin let themselves go once they reach middle-age but you’re in your prime so you are. I can see where your daughter gets her tits, I mean looks, from!’

‘Mam, this is Git,’ Ana said wearily, rolling her eyes and taking a hearty slug of her drink.

‘A pleasure,’ Mrs Steele said, looking stunned – probably imagining the size of his lad – and shaking his hand briefly.

They settled in with their drinks and made awkward small talk to pass the time.

‘So, em, Git,’ Mrs Steele started, cautiously. ‘Ana tells me you’re in business. What exactly do you do?’

‘Ah ya know yourself, a bit o’ this, a bit o’ that. Wheelin’ and dealin’, that sort of thing. Tell ya the God’s honest truth, I’m not too sure. I’ve a board runs things for me, ya know, so I just let them get on with it and keep raking in the cash. I’ve the life sure don’t I?’ Git barked laughing, delighted with himself.

‘Oh I see,’ Mrs Steele replied, lost for words. ‘That’s, em, very interesting alright.’

Git ordered another round of drinks – couldn’t hurt – and launched loudly into an account of his last night out with the lads which involved falling off the Molly Malone statue at 3am.

Clara Steele looked at Ana and cocked an eyebrow at Git. ‘Really?’ she murmured, mystified.

‘Ah, he’s not that bad. I’ve had worse,’ Ana whispered, looking resigned. ‘He’s generous enough and makes me laugh. Mostly at him. But still, at least I’m laughing. Right?’

Clara Steele shrugged and downed the last of her drink. ‘Whatever you want, darling,’ she said, getting to her feet.

‘I’m off, Git,’ she said, interrupting his description of what he’d said to the Garda after being caught pissing against an ATM. ‘It was lovely to meet you. You two have a nice evening.’

Git breathed a sigh of relief as she left. That hadn’t been too bad. She hadn’t said much so he’d had to cover the silences but at least he had some great stories to tell.

‘Are ya right?’ he asked Ana, motioning with his head towards the lift. ‘Will we go up to the room, then? Come on, it’s been days. It has a jacuzzi and everything!’

Grabbing her hand he pulled her towards the lift, suddenly desperate to have her. Bursting into the door of his suite, he tugged her into the bathroom, all marble tiles and cool glass.

Kissing her, he slid his hand inside her cami – YESSSS no bra! – to fondle her breasts, unzipping her jeans with the other hand. Pulling off his own clothes, he was naked within seconds, thrusting against her.

‘Git wait,’ Ana breathed, struggling to free herself. ‘There’s something I have to tell you. It’s, well, ehm…’

‘Spit it out, Ana,’ Git said, pulling her jeans down over her knees. ‘I’m gagging here.’

‘I don’t think we can tonight, Git,’ Ana said, desperately, trying to stop him removing her knickers. ‘It’s just I’m … I’m …’

‘Ah Jaysis!’ Git exclaimed, copping on. ‘You ARE on the rag, aren’t you?!’ He looked in horror at the tampon string between Ana’s legs, trying to stop himself from puking in the sink.

‘I tried to tell you,’ Ana said. ‘But listen, it’s not a big deal. I can remove this and we can still … you know. Some people say it’s actually better during … You can even take it out yourself if you’d like, be a bit kinky.’

‘Jaysis NO!’ Git exclaimed, horrified. ‘You must be joking! No way am I doin’  that. I don’t know what bukes YOU’VE been reading but there’s no way I’m touching that! It’d be all over me. That’s disgustin’!’

Looking a bit green about the gills, Git quickly got dressed and handed Ana her jeans. Quicker she covered THAT up the better.

‘Come on,’ he said, wearily. ‘We’ll just cuddle, will we?’ Throwing himself on to the bed, he hoped Ana wouldn’t get the wrong end of the stick. They were only cuddling tonight cos of this. She better not get used to it.

Pulling Ana to his chest, he sighed heavily. She’d probably fall in love with him now, and then where would he be? He could feel this situation with Ana coming to a head; he had a big decision to make.

 

To be continued …

 

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