The final chapter of my Fifty Shades of Grey parody, in which I wonder what it’d be like if Christian Grey was a Dubliner.
Fifty Shades of Shite – Vol IX
Git Grey checked his Blackberry and saw that Ana was off the plane and on her way to his apartment in the Docklands. Great; he hadn’t seen her in a few days since he followed her to London so he was looking forward to their reunion.
Wait till she saw what he had in store for her tonight, she was going to go mental for it. It was always the quiet ones. All that ‘Oh Git you’re smothering me, Oh Git you’re stalking me, Oh Git move it a bit to the left’ was all just a pretence; she loved it really.
Running to the door as the bell chimed, Git’s Inner God adjusted his gooter and leered at Ana as the door swung open to reveal her in all her porcelain-skinned glory.
‘Hi Git,’ she said, a bit wearily, nervous no doubt after the last time she had been in his Playroom.
‘Howaya love,’ Git said, pulling her by the hand in the room. ‘Jayze, ya look gorgeous. That’s a nice dress but it’d look nicer on my bedroom floor, wha’?!’
Delighted with himself, Git went in for the kill as his Inner God got the lads round for a poker night, grabbing Ana’s breasts and behind desperately, shoving his tongue down her throat.
‘I need to have you right now Ana, come into the Playroom,’ he begged, unable to control himself anymore.
Leading her into the cool dimness of his playroom, Git wasted no time removing Ana’s clothes and whipping off his top so that they were both naked in seconds.
‘Lie down on the bed Ana,’ he breathed, moving to the mahogany wardrobe beside the enormous super-king-sized bed and taking out a blindfold and a soft leather crop.
Bending over her, Git gently tied the blindfold around Ana’s eyes then shackled her to the bed so she couldn’t move.
‘Relax,’ he breathed, ‘you’re going to love this.’
Ana strained to hear as Git moved around the room again, her ears picking up the sound of a CD being put into Git’s stereo, the soft hiss filling the air from the surround-sound speakers.
‘Now, Ana,’ Git said, returning to the bed. ‘I’m gonna ride you in time to the music. This is one of my favourite songs, are you ready?’
Ana squirmed as the familiar beat eased out of the speakers. ‘Yeah yeah yeah yeah…‘ the music pounded, getting louder as Git traced the leather crop all over Ana’s naked body.
Slapping her nipples with a sharp belt of the crop Git crooned along to the song, getting more excited as the tempo increased.
She was a sexy lady, she had to get her thrill.
Thwack! He hit Ana’s inner thigh, his eyes glittering with excitement.
Back in the house for the year 2000, yeah, yeah, funky yeah.
Raising his crop, Git enthusiastically whipped Ana’s glistening skin, breathing harshly as he watched her splayed before him.
She’s a craic, she’s a craic, she’s a maniac.
Ana moaned as the music swelled, struggling against her shackles.
Are you ready now, move to the groove. Put your hands in the air. One simple question to answer. Are. You. Ready?
Git could take no more, throwing the crop to the side as he dove onto the bed next to Ana. He had to have her.
Sliding deep inside her, he kept up the rhythm of the music, sweat breaking out on his forehead.
She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor. And she’s dancin’. And she’s dancin’ like she’s never did before. RIGHT HERE ON THE DUBLIN DANCEFLOOR.
All Git could feel was Ana’s body under him and the beat of the music all around him. This was incredible, he was almost at the edge.
She said put your hands in the air. Side to side like you just don’t care.
‘Sing with me, Ana,’ Git implored, barely hanging on by his fingernails. ‘Please, I’m begging you.’
Wanting to please him, Ana cleared her throat and joined in, the music reaching a climax as they both roared.
Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, Oi! Oi! Oi!
‘Oh Ana,’ Git moaned. ‘I’m right there, I’m almost there.’
- 4. 3. 2. 1. TAKE THIS HOUSE TO THE MAXIMUM!
Giving one last enormous thrust of his hips, Git poured his love juice into Ana, holding her close as they both shuddered with pleasure and the final strains of the music faded away.
‘That was fuckin’ amazing,’ Git said, as he gently loosened her shackles and removed Ana’s blindfold, his Inner God dead to the world on the sofa after that performance.
Ana looked taken aback as she sat up, admitting ‘Actually… it wasn’t bad’, almost as though she couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.
Overcome with emotion, Ana looked at Git, his handsome face relaxing as he fell almost into sleep. A strange feeling burbled up inside of her, something she’d never felt before.
‘Git,’ she said, shocked. ‘Git, I think … I think … I think I love you!’
Shite. He knew this was going to happen, after that night in London.
‘Ah right, Ana, that’s well, that’s … Listen, I don’t think I’m the man for you, I don’t deserve your love. We don’t want to rush things, sure we don’t?’ Git couldn’t get his clothes on fast enough.
Mortified, Ana jumped out of bed and dressed quickly, unable to look at Git.
‘If that’s the way you want it,’ she said, ‘I don’t think we can be friends. Better to just make a clean break.’
Grabbing her bag, she ran from the room, slamming the door to the apartment, the sound echoing around the penthouse.
Git sighed and flopped down on to the couch. That was the end of that, so. He probably should go after her, he thought, persuade her to come back to him. The place WAS a bit quiet without her.
Idly, his glance landed on his mobile phone, as he thought about calling her. Nah, probably better to let her cool off though, think things through for a few days, you know how dramatic burds can be. Feeling better and suddenly energised, Git grabbed the phone and tapped out a message. He sent it off to his mates, his former good humour returning.
‘Alright lads? Who’s on for Coppers tonight?’
Git grinned as the replies rolled in. This was going to be epic. And as for Ana? Ah, he’d deal with that in the morning.