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The Beast. Don’t be fooled by his innocent exterior.

WANT to lose weight and tone up for the New Year? Tired of the same old boring exercise and diet regimes? Then sign up NOW for Mickey Fitness, a brand new way to drop those pounds and shape up in time for summer.

Mickey Fitness is the brainchild of founder Karen Mulreid who stumbled upon a way to exercise all day long, without even realising! All you have to do is have a child (aka The Beast) who has a ‘mickey fit’ (hence the name) anytime you try to do the simplest task with him. A simple nappy change becomes a ten minute cardio workout as you try – and fail – to stuff flailing legs into baby skinny jeans. Putting on a bib, a seemingly easy job, becomes a 15 minute test of endurance as he flings himself kamikaze like onto the kitchen floor to get away from you. Before long you’ll be sweating like you’ve just been on a 10k hike and all in the comfort of your own home. But don’t forget about the food part of the regime, that’s the best bit. There IS no food! You get to heat up and cook delicious meals several times a day BUT you don’t get to eat any of them. Because The Beast will decide it’s time for more exercise as soon as you put the fork to your mouth! No willpower needed here, the decision is taken from you!

Now, for the first time, Ms Mulreid is offering Mickey Fitness to you, her loyal readers, in her Centre of Operations in Kildare. No need to have a child of your own, you can borrow hers, and melt that fat away. The Beast awaits you!

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He gets breakfast. You don’t.

 

The Basic Package:

A quick pre-work workout consisting of getting The Beast out of bed, changing his nappy and getting him into his highchair for his porridge. Perfect for those who want to kickstart their day before heading out to the office. Includes breakfast. (Note: Breakfast is half a cup of coffee, gulped standing up)

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Mine! None for you!

 

The Silver Package:

A half-day package for those who want to put in some real work following the Christmas excess. Consists of everything in the Bronze Package plus a 40-minute ‘rocking session’ where you wrestle The Beast into his buggy and then rock vigorously until your arms start to resemble Popeye’s, in order to get him to nap. Following the nap (where you’ll hastily tidy the kitchen and gulp the rest of the now cold coffee from the Bronze Package) you’ll be pushed to your limit as you dress The Beast for the day in an outfit that has a number of inexplicable buttons and snaps. You’ll then serve him lunch, of which he will deign to eat two morsels, before flinging the rest on the floor. For you to clean up. You’ll have your lunch then. (Lunch consists of one bite out of a toasted sandwich which you will reheat so many times that eventually you’ll break your teeth on it and throw it in the bin in a fit of rage.) Post lunch it’s playtime, where you will sit on a hard wooden floor and attempt to entertain a flailing, screaming, whining Beast as he points and reaches for an invisible object somewhere in the room. You’ll never find out what it is, or where it is, that’s the mental exercise portion of the day. You’ll be allowed home after playtime, a good half stone lighter.

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All fun and games until it’s time to get out!

 

The Gold Package:

Everything in the Bronze AND Silver packages PLUS the ultimate workout tool – The Reluctant Afternoon Nap, dinner and a bath. This is the cream of the crop, the uber workout, the pre-wedding, need-that-bikini-bod all day package. After completing all the tasks in the Bronze and Silver Packages you’ll then lure The Beast back into his buggy for the elusive Afternoon Nap which will make the morning nap seem like a walk in the park. You’ll walk MILES around the house shhhhhh-ing and singing, pleading with the child to sleep. If he sleeps, you may find the rest of the day that bit easier. If he doesn’t, you’ll spend the following three hours picking all 18lb 12oz of him up and putting him down every 60 seconds as he decides whether he wants to be in your arms or on his playmat. In your arms, or on his playmat. He’ll decide. You’ll then attempt to shove a milk feed into him with one hand while trying to prevent him leaping to his certain death off the sofa with the other. Then you’ll make dinner. His and yours. His will be delicious, warm and tasty. Yours will be cold and forgotten on the hob. Again, it will take you a full hour to clean up after the meal and your outfit will certainly be destroyed. And no, spaghetti bolognese doesn’t come out. More playtime then. This is where you’ll hit The Wall and will want to rip the head off The Beast’s singing musical bear. If you survive, you’ll then reach bathtime, the ultimate test of wills. You’ll have to work fast if you want to get him stripped and in the bath before he pees, projectile poos or vomits on you. There is a ten minute cool down session where you’ll be allowed to sit on the toilet lid while The Beast enjoys himself splashing in the bath, but the relief is shortlived as you then have to get him out of the bath and back across the landing to his bedroom and PJS without him peeing, pooing or vomiting on you. Drying The Beast after a bath is a real test of skill and we here at Mickey Fitness WILL need a letter from your doctor stating that you don’t have any preexisting heart conditions if you decide to go for the Gold Package. With The Beast bathed and dressed in PJs you’ll be free to leave. If you haven’t lost a full stone, you’ll get your money back!

Don’t delay, contact us today! Prices available on request. Additional toning extras such as ‘Taking The Beast to the Playground’ ‘Doing the Grocery Shopping’ and ‘Attempting to Have a Shower’ can be added to all packages.

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