IN 2009, my husband and I bought our first home together.
We slogged through the never ending paperwork and solicitor appointments, filled in the insurance forms and tricked the bank into lending us the necessary money.
We moved in on a sunny Sunday in June and never looked back. We love this house and over the past few years we’ve turned it into a home.
So 2009 was a great year in many respects – we became home owners, went mad in IKEA (who DOESN’T need 4,000 napkins?) and argued over who’s turn it was to put out the compost bin – but it was also the year in which I was bullied at work.
It wasn’t overt. Nothing was ever said to my face. I wasn’t physically harmed, or screamed at, nor did I ever fear I would be. It wasn’t anything like that.
I was working in a local newspaper, freelancing actually, between there and a few other jobs at the time. Sometimes I would cover if a journalist was out sick, summer holidays, that kind of thing.
I also wrote a weekly column, one I had been approached by the newspaper to write, about life as a single woman, and then my subsequent relationship and engagement.
One day I was asked by the paper to cover a shift as a journalist had left. I was told to sit at a particular desk and told to open the email account on the computer to see what mails had come in, that I might get some stories out of.
One of the more recent mails in the box had my name and the name of my column in the subject line. I opened it to discover it was part of a ’round robin’ mail between several of my colleagues, both in my department and another department. It appears, that every week when I would email in my column, it would be circulated to this particular bunch of people and they’d slag it off.
They didn’t like the column, or indeed it seems, me. They didn’t like how I wrote or what I wrote about. In this particular stream of emails that I saw there was reference made to what they thought I did sexually with my (now) husband.
One colleague would also include a friend of his in the correspondence, someone I had never met, who didn’t work in our company. This friend, joining in the fun of slagging me off, believed that my writing was so bad that it would be better for the world if I ended up being the next Jean-Dominique Bauby , the former editor in chief of French Elle magazine who had a stroke and was left paralysed, before he eventually died. (Not before writing a bestselling book, but I don’t think it was that part of his legacy this person was wishing on me.)
I was devastated. But more than that, I was mortified. I had no idea that any of this was going on. It had been going on for months. Every time I emailed in my column, they tore it apart and trashed me. What killed me most of all is that, as I was freelancing and not regularly in the office, I didn’t really know any of these people. I had to ask another colleague the surname of one of the men involved. And one of the women involved from another department was so new to the company that I had never met her and didn’t even know what she looked like.
I had been in and out of that office, minding my own business, never thinking that these people thought so little of me, when all the time this had been going on. I felt sick with embarrassment sitting at that desk. I blushed to the roots of my hair and had to go to the bathroom to compose myself.
I complained to my direct supervisor who was very kind and was upset to think this had been going on without her knowledge. From there it was passed to senior management and, as can happen with these things, nothing more really happened.
I was assured that the behaviour was unacceptable and that each of those involved would be reprimanded. As far as I’m aware, they were spoken to and given a copy of the company’s computer policy – it seems the company was more concerned that the bullying had taken place on work time and on work PCs, than the actual bullying itself.
A senior manager then told me that each of the people involved had expressed a wish to apologise to me – but no mechanism for this was suggested or set up. I don’t know if it was expected that I would initiate the conversation or something, but I was so embarrassed that I just let it go.
So in the end, nobody ever apologised.
I received a one line letter in the post subsequently from the company, advising me that they had received my complaint and the matter had been resolved. And that was the end of that.
Only it wasn’t resolved. I had bills to pay, I was house hunting, I had to continue to work and one of the places offering me regular work was this company. I had no choice, I needed the money, so I had to go back in there.
It was really hard. Very few people spoke to me, except about work matters. I felt very isolated and alone. The story spread through the office and while nobody said it to my face, everyone knew about it and the feeling I got was that I was in the wrong for complaining about it. I felt physically sick every morning going to work – and in fact vomited several times from nerves – and as before I was excruciatingly embarrassed. I stopped talking and engaging with people, I didn’t go to any work nights out, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t sit with those people and pretend to enjoy myself.
That sounds very dramatic, I know – but I can’t find the words to convey how excruciating it was to work there knowing how they felt about me. Knowing that they thought I was a joke. That they thought so little of me that when their spitefulness came to light, they didn’t even have the grace to apologise.
I know there are far worse instances of bullying and in fact I even feel uncomfortable calling it that – but it hurt me a lot, it felt like bullying, so I guess that’s what it was.
The following year, the company changed hands and the new owner cut back on staff so I was no longer needed there. It was the push I needed to go. In hindsight I should never have gone back to work there, it wasn’t good for me, but I had never been out of work in my life before then, so I clung on to the job and the security. When I walked out of that building on my last day, I took a deep breath and it felt like the first easy breath I had taken in a long time.
There is no particular reason why I’m writing about this tonight, I guess I just felt like talking about it. Apart from my family and a few friends, not very many people know about this. I didn’t discuss it in public or on social media at the time, but it’s been six years now and I suppose it’s always been there in the background, weighing a bit on me.
I really don’t want sympathy or pity, I’m not writing this for any ‘poor yous’ it’s just a story I wanted to tell. So now I have. And thanks for listening.
Sarah
February 28, 2015 at 00:31
This is horrible, Karen. People can be utter pricks. I hope writing about it has been cathartic X
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 00:33
It really has! Thanks for reading!
Lisa- Four Walls, Rainy Days
February 28, 2015 at 00:34
They sound like absolute arses. I know too well what its like knowing that a work environment like that is bad for you but also knowing that bills have to paid so work needs to be gone to. Hope you’re feeling better about it and that writing it out has helped.
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 00:37
Thanks for reading. It does feel good to let it out.
Awfully Chipper
February 28, 2015 at 00:51
That’s really horrible; what a terrible situation. I hope they’re all unemployed in Greenland now and you have the last laugh.
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 00:54
Hahah! I haven’t seen or spoken to them since so I’m not sure about that!
Awfully Chipper
February 28, 2015 at 00:57
“Living well is the best revenge”, isn’t that what they say?
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lookingforbluesky
February 28, 2015 at 09:53
In some ways this is worse than overt bullying, because it was behind your back, hope you’re over it now x
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 11:27
Thanks for reading. Yes, I put it behind me but it’s always weighed a bit on me, I just felt it was so unfair. So writing this has helped!
emilyatthenest
February 28, 2015 at 11:05
Shower of thundercunts to put it mildly. Karma is a beautiful thing đŸ™‚
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 11:28
Thank you! Thundercunts is fantastic!
Life on Hushabye Farm
February 28, 2015 at 11:39
Unbelievably horrible thing to happen. Awful reflection on those people, not that that makes you feel any better. Glad it’s behind you.
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 11:45
Thank you! Yes, I do think it says more about them than about me.
Collette R
February 28, 2015 at 13:28
this sounds so awful for you to have to go through. Things like this are so hard, but I always think that they can shape us as a person. In my last job, I was bullied by my manager. Snide remarks, acting like I was the village idiot, telling me he wanted me fired, but having no reason to. After I came back from maternity leave things got worse. He knew I was a single parent and kept giving me hours that were impossible for me to work. Luckily, I was able to find a new job, and really enjoyed spelling out it was his fault I was leaving in my resignation letter, that I also sent to head office. He lasted about a month until he was fired for bullying various members of staff. I know your problem wasn’t resolved, but I’m a big believer in karma, and it will catch up with them in one way or another.
x
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:53
Sorry to hear you had to go through this, sounds rotten. Thanks for reading. I guess we’ll have to wait and see on the karma!
Catherine
February 28, 2015 at 13:40
Hi Karen, good on you for writing about it. This goes on a lot more than people like to think. Anytime I have come across people being mean or talking behind someones back I can’t sit there, I always have to speak up and say it’s not appropriate. Sometimes people react in a funny way, they haven’t been expecting my reaction. I once saw someone in work speak in a very rude way to another colleague. The overall boss happened to be passing and immediately pulled the person aside and told them that this was not how we treated others. More people need to not just go with the crowd and call people up when they are not being nice about others!
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:54
Thanks for reading. Yes, I think it was very much a crowd mentality thing. I doubt any of them singly would have targetted me like that.
E
February 28, 2015 at 13:57
Awful..workplace bullies are the most vile bullies! Not only do they harm your dignity but also your income and career!
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:54
Thanks for reading, means a lot.
Julie Holmes
February 28, 2015 at 15:01
Lots more deep and easy breaths for you now Karen. I hope it’s the turn of your cowardly ex-colleagues to blush and squirm a little
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:55
Thanks Julie. I don’t know about that, I don’t think they really felt any remorse, just remorse that they got caught. But sure, thankfully it’s over now.
GrĂ¡inne Reid
February 28, 2015 at 16:08
I admire you so much for sharing this and hope it inspires others who receive similar treatment from so called adults to speak out too! You can hold your head high something those “bullies” (and you were right in calling them so) cannot do! Excellent post hun x
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:55
Thanks so much, you’re very good. xx
Wonderful Wagon
February 28, 2015 at 16:44
Jesus what a horrible experience. You poor thing! Absolute shower of cowards especially the ones who didn’t even know you! To be quite honest, it smacks of acute jealousy on their part. Small minded, bored, teenage jealousy. You showed guts going to work every day having discovered those horrible emails. Onwards and upwards.
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:56
Thank you so much. Yes, I think boredom might have had a LOT to do with it! Onwards and upwards indeed.
tric
February 28, 2015 at 17:36
Oh wow, that was dreadful. How did you not lose all confidence in yourself and your writing? You are one very strong lady. That was incredible, and to have nothing done about it, how shocking.
beatingmyselfintoadress
February 28, 2015 at 19:58
Thanks for reading. It knocked me for a while but I like my writing and I’m proud of it so I wasn’t going to let them take that away from me. Fuck ’em!
Lisa
March 1, 2015 at 03:01
Ugh, rotten shits. You’d really think adults would have at least a little sense and/ or empathy. I can relate. It sucks.
My Little Babog Blog
March 1, 2015 at 03:11
Emily robbed my word. ThunderCunts!! Can’t believe they done nothing about it, their also TC’s. Absolute cowards! Glad you havr moved on, what a horrible time.
Emma
March 2, 2015 at 09:21
Been there, cried the tears over them and still work with the shower of thundercunts who did it to me but who for some reason have decided after blanking me for two years that whatever I did to deserve it has now been forgotten about it and they will talk to me again. All I have to say on the matter is bitches be crazy………………… Some people just enjoy being shits to others.
And (without sounding the stalker klaxon alert) I always enjoyed your column in the paper, I used to hunt out the paper for just that so fuck them and their opinion on your writing.
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 2, 2015 at 13:57
Ah thanks so much, you’re very good. Sorry to hear you’re still enduring it, it’s not easy, I really feel for you.
LadyNicci
March 2, 2015 at 23:44
Wow, what a powerful post. Was not expecting that at all! I know we all talk about people a bit, gossip and stuff, but to write it down like that in email exchanges is just horrible! Can imagine the horror or reading through those mails. Well done on writing about it. Oh and I loved the cursing post too haha. maybe that’s why you curse so much??!
Laura@RaisingElves
April 10, 2015 at 09:59
What an awful experience. I’m so glad you got out. I love your writing btw. I’ve experienced chronic bullying myself and no matter how ‘mild’ it is in comparison to more visable bullying, is is seriously inhibiting. I developed depression, changed my career, cut my hair, gained alot of Wight and worst of all it made me an angry person. It took me years to recover and re-find the real me again. Anyway, sorry for going on about myself. I suppose in trying to say it doesn’t matter what your experience of being bullying is com pared to someone else, it’s your experience. It is what it is and has made you who you are today.
beatingmyselfintoadress
April 10, 2015 at 18:21
Thanks so much for your comment really appreciate it. And sorry to hear you had a bad time of it as well. Glad to hear you’re recovering now.
Laura@RaisingElves
April 10, 2015 at 10:00
Sorry about typos!single handed typing and teething baby don’t mix well haha