THERE’S a tradition here in Ireland every Christmas Day where people gather at The 40 Foot, a bathing spot on the coast, to do a charity swim in aid of whatever particular cause they feel passionate about.
It makes the news every year and every year I look on in amazement thinking fair play, because trust me, although we’re in Europe, the Irish Sea is never warm. There are no balmy Mediterranean temperatures here. Think ‘going for a swim in your freezer’ and you’d be halfway there.
I’ve always wondered what goes through the swimmers’ minds before they take the plunge into the icy waters, whether they want to back out or whether they relish the challenge.
Yesterday I got a flash of insight into what it might be like to line up to take a dip into the unknown as I decided, with the help of my doctor, to come off my anti-depressant medication.
(Ok, it’s not the same as leaping into the Irish Sea in deepest winter, but work with me here, it’s an analogy!)
This is a big deal for me. I had never had depression nor taken antidepressants before I had my son, so post natal depression was my first experience of it and it terrified me.
The meds helped so much, they worked quickly and they helped me to feel back to myself. I’ve been on them for roughly 18 months now and at various points I wondered about coming off them but never felt quite ready.
My fear is that I only feel well now because of the meds, not because I’m actually well. I worry that the occasional down days I have means that I’m still ill, that I’m not healed yet.
My doctor assures me that all of this is normal, that even people who have never had depression can have down days, that this isn’t a reason to continue to take meds that I might not really need.
We had a long chat – I’m sure the rest of the patients in the waiting room were making Voodoo dolls out of me I was in there that long – but he was so kind and so helpful that I now feel ready to take the plunge.
For the next month I’m going to be weaning off my meds, reducing the dose down to nothing and after that I’ll be on my own.
I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. But I really do feel like I’m ready. I’m sick of post natal depression, I really am. It robbed me of so much and I’m tired of giving it space in my head and in my heart.
I’m done. It may take its last breath because over the next month I’m going to be inching closer and closer to the edge of the waves, then I’m jumping in and washing it all away.
Of course there’s a chance I might sink, but I’m really hoping I can find the courage to swim.
(How’re you all liking these swimming analogies? Doing anything for ya? Anybody? No? No? Ok, I’ll stop now.)
joanne scott
You can do it and you will do it! The very best of luck.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thanks very much! Really appreciate that.
Emma
You can do it, you really can!! Best of luck and we’re always here if you need a boost.
(And without sounding patronising, I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you how proud I am of you for deciding to do this for youself)
beatingmyselfintoadress
Aw thanks so much! Chuffed!
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A Cookbook Collection
Good on you Karen for making this decision! Best of luck with it x
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you!
Wonderful Wagon
I think you’re great! Courageous and strong. I’m sure this wasn’t an easy decision to make. Your GP sounds great. It’s good that he has your back. I think you’ll be grand. In fact, I think you’ll be amazing. The very best of luck.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thanks so much, really appreciate it. Yes, he’s very good, am lucky to have him. Thanks again!
Eva
Best of luck! I’ve done it too. The only advice I can give you is to take it slowly, extremely slowly. I took six months to wean down off a low dose and still suffered a few bumps in the road. But that’s all they are, bumps in the road.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thanks so much, really appreciate that.
tric
I hope you succeed but don’t fret maybe you just need a little more time. Trust me we all get highs and lows, you just need to remember how you used to manage them before it all got out of hand after your little one was born. The very best of luck with it all. I really hope you do brilliantly.
Siobhán Cawley
I really wish you the very best with this, it’s a huge scary step and one I am sure you are more than able for, am always here if you need a chat, any time, day or night (@WellNowUniverse). Keep a journal or write here we’re all rooting for you!…. For what it’s worth my sister started sea swimming last Autumn and has been in pretty much every day (with a group of wonderful older ladies who bling out their swimming hats and laugh, all snot blowing in the wind (from inhaling sea water)) some days are harder and sorer than others but it’s been the most rewarding thing she has done in ages!
Louise (@TattooedMumsy)
Best of luck, take your time and you will succeed in this 🙂 xo