Eggy bread. The one thing he WILL eat!
YESTERDAY I brought a whole shitstorm down on my own head.
I was accused of being a bad mother, told that I was disgusting, that it was a shame I had a child that I obviously didn’t want, when so many others would love a child.
I was told that I obviously needed psychological help. And so on.
My crime?
I posted jokingly in a group of mothers about how I had spent all day making turkey and chickpea patties for The Beast’s dinner and he wouldn’t even touch them. In the resolutely tongue in cheek post I referred to the baby as ‘fuck face’.
It was a post borne out of frustration and tiredness, meant to be jokey, meant to appeal to other mothers who might have experienced the same thing.
To be clear, I don’t call my son fuck face to his face. Nor do I refer to him as such in real life. It was this one post, in a private group of other mothers who I thought might understand.
They didn’t.
At all.
AT ALL.
I’m not like the other mothers.
The response was swift and vicious. I was vilified as an absolute monster. One woman even suggested that it was a child safety issue and that my son was in danger by living with me.
I really didn’t expect such a response. I know others don’t use bad language with the same impunity that I do and I appreciate that. I do.
But I really didn’t see the big deal, it was so very obviously a jokey not-to-be-taken-seriously post. A mother gritting her teeth in solidarity with other mothers. Or so I thought.
The Admins of the group deleted the post and the comments and removed some members as things got increasingly vicious; I left the group myself. I feel quite sick about it actually. It was a group I really enjoyed being in and had contributed to regularly, I was even an Admin myself, taking on responsibility for running the group. But I couldn’t stay after that.
I realise I’m probably opening myself up to more abuse by writing this, but so be it. I use bad language, I’m sometimes vulgar, it’s how I am.
I might not be like the other mothers, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother.
kateskabin
Awh Karen. You must feel like shite 😦 I think it’s a case of on the net jokes etc get lost in translation. Like you, I swear a lot and use it in everyday language… I can’t tell you how many times I’d delete words / paragraphs / phrases from blog posts or tweets in the knowledge that it could be taken up wrong. You are a fantastic mother who got lambasted for a joke others didn’t get, I know you’ll feel shite for a few days but try to brush it off and not let it affect you. Hugs. xXx
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you! I hear you on the lost in translation!
a modern mommys world
I’m sorry to hear that, those are awful things to say to another mum, I have always said that I think mums need to support one another not bring each other down, hugs from one mother to another, and don’t worry sometimes I feel I not like other mums either xxx
beatingmyselfintoadress
Yayyy! Another ‘not like the other Mums’! Thanks for your comment.
The Clothesline
I think some people just don’t use bad language frequently and then are a tiny % of people who seem genuinely horrified by others who do and it does make me wonder how they survive day to day life in the real world.
I saw your post. I laughed. I thought it was funny.
I can see why others didn’t but it was a massive over reaction.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you. If people didn’t like the language fair enough, I mean that truly and I totally understand and would even apologise. It was the OTT reaction and the calling me an unfit mother that I particularly didn’t like.
Gron
Wow!!! That sucks. I have called my kids worse – not to their beautiful, innocent face. But under my breath to my hubby and my close pals, all who know I’m joking. I hate that you were taken up the wrong way, the things that we’re said to you we’re cruel and a bit OTT in my opinion. You’re NOT a bad Mam. Far from it. Keep your chin up.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you muchly! Glad to hear I’m not the only one who mutters rude words!
Jo Taylor
IN what world would someone reading your post think that you actually refer to your child as fuckface in ‘real life’…??? You have taken the time and effort to foster an interest in parenting issues… this would suggest to me that you are a consciencious and considerate parent. I’m pretty sure Fred and Rose West weren’t contributing to their later day equivilent, then trotting home ‘do their thing’ at Cromwell Road*. How do you have the patience for this fuckery!
I know one thing, you’re my kind of parent!
*because you have a sense of humour, you will note I am not in any way comparing you to F&R West.
** If you’d decided to call your child Farqour or something, that comparison might apply…
beatingmyselfintoadress
Ah thanks so much, that means a lot. What’s wrong with Farquor? That was on our list for the next one!!
A Cookbook Collection
I saw you tweet about this last night Karen and felt so bad for you! How anyone would take that seriously is beyond me. I didn’t see the post (was it on WOL?) so I don’t know the context, but the way women judge and jump on what others say depresses me. Don’t mind men, we are our own worst enemies! I love your writing style and really hope this doesn’t hold you back in future x
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank so much. Not it wasn’t WOL, it was a FB group. I really thought it was obvious I was totally totally joking, the whole post was a joke, but obviously not. Will have to be more careful!
Emma
Ah Karen, I have so far TODAY called my son a little sh*te, a boll*x and a little f*cker – all which were said in a jokey manner because I love my child to death but my god he can wear me out sometimes.
Please do not let this over-reaction to a non-issue get you down too much. I don’t know any of the people who called you names or said such hateful things to you so I can’t speak for their personalaities but this sounds very much like someone left their sense of humour (and fucking empathy) at home and decided to take pleasure in beating someone up for showing that they get frustrated at times.
I’ve followed your story over several different sites from blogs to chat boards sites and on twitter (God, I sound like a mad stalker now – I’m not, I swear!) and you’ve always made me feel that it’s ok to have a bad day and even if I’m sobbing over the kitchen sink because I feel like a failure of a mammy that it will pass and things will get better.
Please don’t stop being you beacuse of this – I think you’re only deadly!!
beatingmyselfintoadress
Ah thanks so much for your kind words, you’re very good. YOU ENORMOUS STALKER!
Emma
I’ve given the game away now. And I may as well cement my STALKER status by saying I’m fairly certain I used to read your column in the paper as well…………………………… I’ll go off and get my stalking kit ready to follow you round Tesco now.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Hahahahahahah! Yes, that was me too. Oh Jesus, there’s nowhere to hide!!!
I SEE YOU IN THE BUSHES!
Rachelle (@RoxyOBrien)
Hi Karen,
i was following this on facebook last night being part of the BLW brigade….
I must confess my initial reaction when I saw the post was shock….but I was even more shocked by the comments directed at you. They were uncalled for and based upon one frustrated mammys ramblings; i reckon you did the right thing by removing yourself from that level of abuse.
Whilst I have a fierce potty mouth I genuinely was alarmed when I read the post. When I say alarmed I just thought it was out of the ordinary even for a fellow potty mouth! I follow your blog and we are followers on twitter so i suppose what I am getting at is that I would have a fair idea of the sort of person you are online; i.e you are someone that would have similar parenting styles and therefore your opinions I find usually very helpful and your insights very funny. We also have poxy Crohns in common so I am genuinely interested in how things are going for you day to day.
I am in no way trying to justify what was said to you; I think people on the internet on a whole are usually all sorts of crazy so don’t take it to heart. A lot of the people on that group in particular are in the wrong group alltogether but that is a whole other story…
That said I didn’t like your choice of words but I’m not going to lose sleep over it, I know you are a brilliant mammy.
I was having this argument in my head this morning about the choice of words I use…..I havent called my little fella fuck face however I have called him whingey arse. I wonder would I have gotten the same reaction? For someone who uses colourful language at the best of times I am surprised I was shocked at the post. I dunno. The whole thing is kinda boggling tbh.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thanks for your post and I know exactly what you mean. It WAS bad language and of course would be shocking, but I did think it would be taken in the joking tone it was intended. Like when you call your sister a bitch, but don’t ACTUALLY mean she’s a bitch, kinda thing? But it obviously didn’t come across like that! Eeeek!
mind the baby
Karen, you poor doll. I think you should take comfort in this: Anyone who has to invoke the infertile in a discussion about parenting is already losing and can’t be taken even slightly seriously. They are a bunch of fuck faces. I am giving you a virtual cuddle in empathy and solidarity. Blessed are the humourless, for theirs is a world of misery.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Ha ha! Thanks for that, I’m going to remember that one!
office mum
Oh no, I’m so sorry. I totally get that – that sick feeling when something blows up like that. Happened to me in the real world recently – it’s awful. Facebook groups are a hotbed of righteous indignation and they thrive on storms in teacups, in my opinion. But crappy for you to have left the group now and under those circumstances. I hope writing this post helped.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you. It is awful, I really didn’t expect that. I know people don’t know me as such but I was one of the Admins there and have been around as long as Seán is alive, helping out, giving recipes, directing people to information, commenting on as many posts as possible so people felt included. So then to have them turn on me and disregard every other single thing I had contributed to the group was pretty hard going.
JL Pagano
Don’t feel bad these people are silent in public and forever screaming online. I get them on my website all the time, but it’s clear they are a minority. We call our 5 year old Butt Head often (like you never to his face) and people who don’t get the concept are either choosing not to or they’re just really really stupid. Definitely not worth bothering about though I appreciate the words are hurtful whatever the source.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thanks for that. Butt Head’s not a bad one, I might switch to that!
Aedin
Oh Karen,poor you!Some people just can’t see the lighter side of life.I like you,would have a liberal approach to curses and I use the c word a lot in my head in relation to my kids.They d drive you cracked sometimes!Especially when you’re at home all day with them.Its a pity you’re out of a group you enjoyed but probably better off away from such miserable judgemental fuck faces!
beatingmyselfintoadress
Yes, I actually feel a bit lighter being out of it, though I’m sad to go. I’d just feel they’d be waiting for me to say something else or something they could infer offence out of, you know?
tendernessontheblock
*dials social services*
beatingmyselfintoadress
*changes name*
beatingmyselfintoadress
If you’re going to do that, I may as well give him this Big Mac and bottle of Jack Daniels! Get it all out of the way at once!
tendernessontheblock
That’s the spirit. Don’t be defeated by a few fragile individuals prone to chronic feelings of offence.
I see it wasn’t on WOL – but I’d bet 30 chicken nuggets that some of the gravely injured haled from there originally. If I were you, I’d take a bow.
beatingmyselfintoadress
If I had to put money on it, I’d say so too. In fact, I’d bet this house on it.
Jo Taylor
By the way TomTaylor is now campaigning for our firstborn to be called FuckFace Taylor…
beatingmyselfintoadress
It’s a good strong name! Why not?
Sharon
If it’s the same group I left after runny-egg-gate then you are MUCH better off away from it. I found the level of competition on that page unhealthy and I hate how so many uppity fuckers crawled out of the woodwork when there’s even a sniff of someone being anything other than perfect. Despite the half of them not even doing it right anyway. Do you know what my babies had for dinner today? Cheerios, cheese on toast, blueberries, a bit of ham, and a baby potato. No, I don’t know the salt content. No, none of it was organic. Yes, some of the berries may have been flung on the floor and picked up again and eaten. Get your arse over to Mumsnet and look for the ‘ tiny wanker’ thread. Find your people. Big hugs to fuckface x
beatingmyselfintoadress
Sounds like a perfect BLW dinner to me Sharon! S regularly has a hotch potch of bits out of the fridge! I’ll get out that thread, I think the Mothership is calling me home!
Sandra
Ah Karen, people just need to lighten the f*ck up! As if you would call him that to his face. Bloody hell, have people nothing else to be doing than picking on others? I didn’t see your post because I’m not a member of that group but anybody who “knows” you from your online writing knows that you are a brilliant mum and it is very easy to pick up when you’re having a bit of a laugh and when you’re serious. Bloody hell, is a person not allowed to have a bad day and talk about it?! If that’s the case I’m utterly screwed because I don’t hold back on my blog when I have a rough day with my Yoke (yes I do call him that to his face sometimes!). End of the day we’re only human and it’s a hard job being home alone with a smallie. I’m sorry that you had to leave the group but glad to see that action was taken on those who attacked you. Tell fuckface to eat his dinner next time 🙂
*races off to find the tiny wanker thread*
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you! I haven’t got to the tiny wanker thread yet, I’m saving it for later with a cup of tea!
Siobhán
Karen I’m a bit in shock at what you wrote, I mean seriously? I think you picked the wrong group because although I don’t have kids my siblings/friends do and I have had identical conversations with ALL of them at all stages from infants to late teens. I believe you need to be able to verbalise your feelings and frustrations however you damn well please; that anyone would say such things to you beggars belief! I do hope you realise a LOT of parents are just like you, they live in the real world outside of fluffy parenting mags and shows. You keep doing what you’re doing (and DM me @WellNowUniverse any time). Siobhán
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you! Appreciate that very much! xx
Shygirl
Some people are just mean and petty Karen, and when they get into gangs like that, it’s a recipe for disaster. Let it go, you don’t need people who just turn on you like that in your life.
Jenny
Hi Karen
I am on that Fb group just joined that week as my sister told me it was brill, but couldn’t believe what happened to you. It was a disgrace for people to treat you like that. I would have said something like that as a joke myself! just be happy those people aren’t your friends n add lest you can have a laugh about the frustrating things our little beauts like to do 2 use sometimes ha. never believe a parent who pretends never to curse the heavens some times!
Jen x
Sheena
Karen, I missed the drama on the post but saw urs & taut it was hilarious, I even read it out to my husband! Wanted to show him I’m normal wen I rant & rave…. 😊
DollyDotty
There isn’t a single FB group I am a member of (or forum for that matter) that hasn’t descended into bitching and nonsense at least once a week, with admins doing their best to keep the peace and one drama after another followed by people leaving. It seems that whatever filters we have IRL generally get left at the door once we go online and I am getting more an more sick of seeing the competitive, mud slinging, who is on the highest horse mentality over things as simple as feeding our children! We went through IVF for our first, and our second was a happy pre-IVF natural miracle and we still regularly joked about “chucking him in the bin” when he drove us crazy!
Ciara
After reading all the comments all I can think know is whether shite bag (what we commonly refer to my son as, between adults only of course!) is worse or better than fuck face…..maybe we should have a league table of names allowed, based on how frustrating the child is and how little coffee/sleep the mammy has had that day 🙂
cookie1986
Omg. I call my eldest “The Destroyer”. You should see some of the flack I’ve gotten just for that. Some moms are insane. Some swear a lot.
I think we could be friends.
Roisin
Hi Karen,
I am shocked that you received such a horrible response to say the least, women can be so horrible. You seem like a fantastic mother, your blogs are so honest, fuck them!