I’M GOING to have to embrace online grocery shopping. Not because I haven’t time to get to the supermarket, but because I can’t go back to Tesco ever again.

I’ve a long history of embarrassing myself in Tesco. I’ve been caught talking to myself more times than I care to remember. I’ve had to dump a basket of shopping and run due to a Crohn’s attack. And when I was pregnant I got sick into my own hand in the cheese aisle.

They kinda know me in there now. And I like to think they understand.

It had actually been a long time since I’d had an ‘incident’ so I was starting to believe that maybe my slate was being wiped clean and that I could go about my shopping like a normal person.

And then last week happened.

It was a warm day. I was wearing a summery dress with thin straps. All was well with the world.

I popped into Tesco for some milk and bread, moseying around the shop with not a care in the world. Everyone seemed in a good mood, smiling and nodding at me. I was delighted with myself.

And then I looked down.

One of the straps on my dress had snapped and the front of it had flopped down.

Exposing my entire right boob. I was wearing a bra, but it was a sheer one so it was diddy central.

There I was walking proudly around Tesco, one boob covered, the other roaming free, bouncing about. No wonder people were smiling at me.

I think they probably thought it was some sort of fashion statement? Something new the young people are doing these days. Like this*:

The asymmetrical male thong. Jaysis!

The asymmetrical male thong. Jaysis!


Maybe they went home to their families and said ‘Did you know it’s the fashion now to cover one boob and leave the other exposed? Kids today, eh?!’ and they’d all laugh and get on with their day.

Or maybe they went home and told their families about the oul wan wandering around the aisles with her tit out.


*You’ll never be able to unsee that now. Sorry.