WHEN we bought our first house a few years back it took myself and Yer Man a good while to settle in together.
There was the whole ‘learning how not to stab him in the face with a fork when he snored’ period and the ‘learning how not to go mental when she forgot to put out the food bin and we got maggots, again’ period and then an entire month of ‘It’s not MY turn to clean the bathroom, fuck off for yourself’.
But more than that was the feeling that we were just playing at living together, playing at owning a house. It felt kind of like a B&B, we moved carefully around, putting things back in their rightful place, waiting for the real owners to show up.
If we wanted to move a piece of furniture around we looked fearfully at each other, wondering if it was ok, so used were we to living in either our parents’ houses or rented accommodation where you’re pretty much stuck with what you’ve got.
It took a while to realise that this house belonged to us, that we were responsible for it, that we paid for it and we could pretty much do what we liked to it.
It took a while for it to feel like home, but gradually we got there. I feel like a homeowner now, this is my home, my haven.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day – my first Mother’s Day – and this week all those same feelings I had when we moved in here first have resurfaced. I had a home but didn’t feel like a homeowner. I have a baby but I don’t feel like a mother.
I don’t know how better to explain it, but I feel, again, like I’m playing a role, I’m playing at being a mother and any minute now Seán’s real mother will show up to claim him.
It’s odd because the rational part of my brain tells me that I am a mother – of course I am. I was pregnant, I gave birth to him, I have the c-section scar and the post natal depression to prove it. Of course I’m his mother.
I feel love – all-encompassing, consuming, sunlight bright love – for him. That never wavers, it only grows, it only gets brighter. But I still don’t feel fully like a mother.
There’s the comedy element to it, I suppose. I’ve yet to ask Seán if he’s turned off the immersion; I don’t have hair like Brenda Fricker; I don’t air vests or warn people about getting a cold in their kidneys. So I’m not your typical Irish Mammy. Not yet, anyway. (Though, seriously, music these days really IS just white noise.)
I guess, more than the practicalities of it, I don’t mentally feel like I’m someone’s mother. Perhaps I don’t feel old enough, though the mirror tells me that I’m plenty old enough thank you very much. Those aren’t laughter lines, you deluded fool, they’re wrinkles.
When it comes down to it, I suppose I don’t feel good enough. It’s such a responsibility to be someone’s mother, it is at times completely overwhelming. It is my job to guide this perfect little boy through life and to help him to learn, to grow, to be the best human being that he can be. That’s some job and I’m still not quite sure if I’m the best person for it.
So this Mother’s Day I dedicate this post to Seán – I’m not sure what I did to deserve your beautiful little spirit but I hope one day you’ll be glad that you were sent to me and that I can prove myself worthy. Happy Mother’s Day baba and by the way, turn off the immersion! Do you think I’m made of money?
Fiona @ Dolly Dowsie (@Trixiebellexx)
Enjoy your first ever Mother’s Day Karen with little Sean who looks adorable by the way! I know how what you mean about not feeling like a mother, I sometimes feel like a fun big sister or something, not yer typical Irish mammy who’ll ‘brain ya if you do that again’ sort of thing…yet. This is the fun, honeymoon stage of being a mammy, wait until their teenagers! Ah the fun to come 🙂
beatingmyselfintoadress
Seán will never be a teenager, do you hear me?! Never! I can’t cope with the thoughts of that! I’m currently trying to find a scientist that can put me into suspended animation for his teenage years. Wake me up when he’s 20! Thanks for reading!
Naomi
Great post! My oldest is ten and I still feel like I am “faking it” 😉 I guess it never really goes away!
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank God it’s not just me so!! Thanks for reading!
Karen Blanche
What a lovely post, as a brand new Mammy I often have the same feelings, enjoy your first Mothers Day!
beatingmyselfintoadress
Thank you! And same to you, congratulations!
Gill
Karen I still feel like that some times. I’ve an 11 year old child ELEVEN! !! And I sometimes wonder how the heck did I wind up here. Most of the time I feel like I’m winging it
beatingmyselfintoadress
That’s actually good to hear! Sometimes I look at my son and think ‘They gave ME a baby?! WTF?!’
Susan
Karen I think my eldest was about two when I finally realised I’d be a mother forever and I was responsible for her for the rest of her life! With the arrival of baby no. 2 and then 3 I hadn’t got time to think about it too much. They’re 19,15 and 10 now and I’m still just winging it every day and hoping to God I’m doing something right.
beatingmyselfintoadress
A lot of Mammies are telling me they’re winging it! I feel better now! Thank you!
Sharon (BehindGreenEyes)
Lovely post Karen, amazing how fast a year goes. I think secretly we’re all winging it x
Elizabeth MacDonnell
Happy Mother’s Day…..very funny post but I know what you mean, the first time I saw a photo of me with my 4 children I found it surreal, I couldn’t, believe they were really mine!! Then I got really scared coz its alot of responsibility!!! I still have days were I feel I’m faking it but so far so good….no sign of the ‘real mama’ coming to claim her brood.
beatingmyselfintoadress
Looks like I get to keep him so! Happy Mother’s Day to you too!
Aedin
Happy first Mother’s Day Karen-hope your boys are spoiling you rotten. You must be an amazing mum to Sean as it’s obvious you care so much about him through worrying so much that you’re not doing a good job. He looks like such a happy little chap-you’re doing a much better job than you think!
beatingmyselfintoadress
Ah thank you very much, you’re very sweet! Having a LOVELY day.