I’VE decided I’m never having children.
Sorry now, but no.
It’s not because I simply don’t want them, or because I’m some sort of child-hater who sits in restaurants and cafes looking disapprovingly at kids in my vicinity, or because I’m afraid I wouldn’t make a good mother.
It’s because of my eyebrows.
I got them done today, for the first time ever.
I know, call the Beauty Police, a 32-year-old woman who’s never had her eyebrows done.
But there’s the hairy truth.
I hadn’t intended to get them done either, for the wedding. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I throw a razor over my pits and my shins from time to time and besides washing my hair and having a shower every day, that’s about the extent of my grooming regime.
But that was BW. Before Wedding.
A few weeks ago my sister hired a make-up artist to meet with me to do a trial for the wedding. The make-up lady was going to do ‘a face’ for me and then my sister planned to copy that for the wedding day.
Grand, no problem there.
In she bustled, the make-up lady, looking me up and down as she unpacked her case.
“Are you prone to dark circles?” she asked, prodding the area under my eye and staring me down.
“Er, yes, I guess so,” I replied, terrified.
“And blemishes, and oily skin I see as well,” she continued, in a martyred voice, not even giving me the chance to respond that time.
“Naturally, you’ll be doing something about those eyebrows,” she said, again a statement, not a question.
“My eyebrows?”
I was puzzled. My eyebrows were fine, I didn’t see any problem with them. They sit on top of my eyes, in a normal fashion, not doing anything outrageous. What exactly did I need to ‘do’ with them?
“You’ll be getting them waxed. Or tweezed? Threaded maybe?” she replied, almost pleading with me.
It wasn’t something I had considered but judging by the pitying glances the make-up lady was throwing me, they needed to be done.
So today I bit the bullet and took myself off to the Brow Bar at the Benefit counter in Debenhams on Henry Street.
To be fair to the lovely girl who served with me, even though she actually clutched her throat in horror when she saw the state of my brows, she managed to compose herself and sorted me out with a smile.
Not before she tortured me though.
And here comes the point of this story.
The PAIN of it.
Honest to God, the sheer physical PAIN of it was like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Because I’d never had my eyebrows done before, they couldn’t wax them as I hadn’t had a patch test and didn’t know if I’d react badly to the wax.
The last thing I wanted 12 days before the wedding was an allergic reaction anywhere near my face.
So I agreed to a tweeze instead.
“It might be a little bit sore….” the lovely girl said kindly, taking me by the hand and backing me into a chair before I could change my mind “but I’ll be quick.”
The liar.
It was AGONY. And she took her time. Though to be fair, she was only doing what I asked her to do. The cow.
“How are you doing there?” she asked gently, halfway through the first eyebrow.
“Nrrrghghghghhhhhh,” I replied as amiably as possible.
“Don’t worry, I’m nearly finished,” she soothed.
The liar.
Hours later, HOURS, I stumbled out into the main store, face numb, forehead roaring red, palms bleeding where I had dug my fingernails in, though it has to be said with beautifully shaped brows.
It actually only took about 15 minutes, but it felt like a lifetime.
If a simple eyebrow tweeze can bring tears to my eyes, imagine what I’d be like trying to force an eight pound baby out through my hoo-ha?
And some women can be in labour for days. Days!
So no, I’ll be having no children thank you very much and from this moment on my eyebrows will grow wild and bushy, the way Liam Gallagher and nature intended.
Eimear
March 26, 2011 at 22:24
The more I read your blog the more it reminds me of me!! Am 32 also, and never had my eyebrows done except before our wedding. Torture!! I made it better by booking a massage first and a facial, and got my nails done after 🙂 It will be worth it.
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 26, 2011 at 23:08
That’s a good idea about the facial Eimear! I’ll remember that for next time. Glad I’m not the only bushy eyebrowed 32 year old!
Eimear
March 26, 2011 at 23:11
Next time – you have to be kidding me, next time think i’ll skip the eyebrows and just get facial and massage much better, wedding is over now!!!
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 26, 2011 at 23:20
True! I think I’ll leave mine for a bit but I DO like how they look. So I might brave it again, maybe for my tenth wedding anniversary!
Lisa
March 26, 2011 at 22:33
If it’s any consolation I am unable to cope with the pain of having my eyebrows tweezed either. I find waxing slightly better simply because it’s faster. I thought childbirth would be torture – but it actually wasn’t that bad. Having a tooth pulled was far worse!
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 26, 2011 at 23:08
Thanks Lisa! Glad I’m not the only wuss!
Natalie
March 27, 2011 at 00:16
Karen, this actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, I think I can actually remember the first time I had my eyebrows shaped by tweezers, maybe at the age of 15/16 & your right it is quite sore & stingy but look at the FAB results! It’s true that the waxing is actually less painful & over much quicker & gives an even better shape if possible & you’ll be happy to know the more often you have it done at the start, the less often the hair will grow back & your eyebrow wax & nice shape will start to last for weeks…I definately think it may be worth it! 🙂 & god yes, I agree with the labour thing, I was 1 of them women in labour for DAYS…50 hrs to be exact but you definately come home happier than with groomed eyebrows!!! 😀
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 27, 2011 at 00:20
Ok, so the more I do it the better it is? That means I have to go back to that torture chamber! Fifty hours? FIFTY?! Not at all, no WAY am I doing that! I tell you, science better come up with some other way of getting babies out because I am NOT doing 50 hours!
Sarah
March 27, 2011 at 01:32
I feel your pain. My friend held me down when I was 16 and demanded to do mine. She repeated the process weekly for the next few years because I couldn’t inflict that kind of pain on myself. A mere 12 years later and I barely feel anything! The results are gorgeous though, you should be very proud
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 27, 2011 at 14:02
Oh God there’s no way I would have let a friend do it! It had to be a pro, ruthless, efficient, who knew what she was doing. Otherwise I would have run away screaming with half of one brow done!!
linda
March 27, 2011 at 09:05
I feel your pain. I also had mine done for the first time by my beautician cousin on a holiday in kerry. I had had a couple of glasses of red wine at the time but even that did not numb the pain. She was so excited to get her hands on my eyebrows and referred to me as a “virgin”! I have never had them done since!
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 27, 2011 at 14:01
Yey! Another virgin! Glad I’m not the only one. I genuinely didn’t expect it to be that sore, naiive or what!
Miss C
March 28, 2011 at 01:28
I got mine done for the first time after I had my make-up trial too 🙂 Actually, the first and only time so far.
Waxing is definitely a lot easier to deal with than tweezing- it hurts but then it is over. And it really is amazing the difference after you do it.
I’ll get mine done again before the wedding and that’ll be it for a while!
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 29, 2011 at 11:20
I think I’ll give the waxing a go so. But maybe only for a special occassion, not for every day!
speccy
March 29, 2011 at 10:02
My friend got her eyebrows done for the first time the week before she gave birth- subsequently she had no anxiety about childbirth at all. You’ve actually been preparing!
beatingmyselfintoadress
March 29, 2011 at 11:19
Really? Oh thank God. Right, it might not be so bad so. Maybe I’ll get them waxed again AND have a baby. I mean, how sore could it REALLY be?
blondeviki
April 4, 2011 at 19:36
Another person putting their hand up to say they’ve never had their eyebrows done!!
From your description of it, it’s not something I’m going to be adding to my list of experiences I want to have!!
The pictured eyebrows are lovely though – very nice shape!