TAKE one woman.

Sit comfortably in computer chair.

Relegate Yer Man to kitchen chair. Roll eyes at Yer Man and wish briefly funds would stretch to buying second computer chair so he would stop. Bloody. Moaning.

Flex fingers.

Open Mass scroll template ripped off from lovely wedding singer’s site and think smugly of hundreds of trees definitely saved by having Mass scroll instead of booklet.

Think how much easier will be to put together as well. Think how many hours will be saved as well as environment.

Briefly pity all other brides-to-be currently tearing hair out over Mass booklet and send gracious ‘have-Mass-scroll-instead’ vibes to them.

Realise have spent 30 minutes smugly pitying other brides-to-be and not actually done any work.

Flex fingers.

Replace template bride and groom name with own name and Yer Man’s name.

Well up.

Practice new signature on spare bit of paper.

Realise spare bit of paper is actually very expensive Mass scroll paper and practice signature now means guests will have to share scrolls.

Hide ruined paper under stack of bridal magazines and plough on with job in hand.

Replace template priest’s name with own priest’s name.

Change date on scroll.

Marvel at how well everything is working out and allow self square of chocolate in celebration.

Replace template first reading with own first reading.

Notice, worryingly, own first reading is significantly longer than template first reading and pushes everything down page alarmingly.

Stay calm and decide to worry about it at later date.

Replace template psalm with own psalm.

Mass scroll now looking scarily like Mass booklet due to length of psalm.

Cut out words of psalm and just leave in heading.

Ha!

Mass scroll length back on track.

Replace template second reading with own second reading.

Fuck.

Wonder if second reading is vital or can be left out.

Ring priest.

Get bollocked and a lesson in ‘what actually happens at Mass’.

Resign self to keeping both readings to please sniffy Priest. Decide to worry about length at later date.

Move on to Gospel.

Cry, as realise own Gospel is three times longer than template Gospel.

Wonder if Gospel is vital or can be left out.

Ring priest.

Hold phone away from ear as realise, of course, Gospel is vital.

Decide to worry about it at later date.

Replace template bride and groom name with own names at Rite of Marriage section.

Have small panic attack reading ‘I Yer Man take you to be my wife’ part.

Realise am getting married soon.

Take deep breath and move on to Prayers of the Faithful.

Curse asking friends to do Prayer of the Faithful. Wonder if they have forgotten.

Prayers of the Faithful do not fit on Mass Scroll. They do not fit.

Wonder if Prayers of the Faithful are vital or can be left out.

Ring priest.

Get bollocked and an email entitled ‘How to be a Catholic’.

Resign self to keeping Prayers of the Faithful to please sniffy Priest.

Look aghast at ugly Mass Scroll now straggling to three-and-a-half pages.

Have brainwave.

Reduce size of font.

Reduce again.

Realise cannot see text.

Increase main text font but reduce headings font.

Mass Scroll is now six pages.

Spend three hours messing with different fonts and settings until fingers cramp in protest.

Finally get everything on two pages, by reducing font to size six and adopting poetic licence approach to length of readings.

Hope priest won’t notice missing lines and last quarter of Gospel.

Decide is time to bite bullet and print off one copy.

Click CTRL P and slide paper gingerly into paper tray.

Hold breath as first side of scroll prints.

Release breath. All is well.

Slide paper back into paper tray to print other side.

Click CTRL P and hold breath.

Fuck.

Second side of paper has printed onto first side.

Start again.

Print first side normally.

Remember to flip paper so second side prints properly.

Click CTRL P and hold breath.

Fuck

Second side of paper has printed onto first side, only upside down.

Start again.

Print first side normally.

Remember to flip paper AND rotate page so second side prints properly.

Click CTRL P and hold breath.

Drop forehead onto desk as paper jam button flashes annoyingly.

Stick hand into belly of printer and rescue mangled sheet.

Realise second side of paper has printed onto first side, upside down, and font has increased alarmingly.

Decide to leave printing for another night.

Look tiredly at butchered Mass scroll on screen.

Decide to go with same readings, Gospel and prayers as template bride and groom.

Is for the best.

Ring priest.

Receive round of applause.

PIC: http://www.image-acquire.com/hp/hp_photosmart_c8180_printer.html

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